I want to ask a question that I am not sure I know the answer to. Is there a link between ACC and depression or anxiety? Do any of you suffer from depression, anxiety, or both? I do. The sad thing is, I really didn’t do anything about it until right before I met my wife Sarah. I suffered with this all through my middle school years, my high school years, and college to. I was such a mess. I think mentally, I knew something was wrong with me that made me who I was, that I hated, but I didn’t know what that one thing was. The reason why I didn’t take anything for my depression was that I didn’t want to get labeled a lunatic or some schizophrenic.
I take Celexa now. It helps. It isn’t a cure, but it helps. Robin Williams talks about a drug he wants to invent called, well I can’t say what he says but lets just say it is called screw-it-all. I wish there was something I could take where I am always happy, but that just isn’t so. I don’t want to sound like Debbie Downer, but it seems as though happiness isn’t something tangible you can grab hold of and keep. I guess it just comes in small doses. Happiness is a the touch of a first kiss, cup of coffee, a cigarette, or the feeling of acceptance, of recognition. What do you guys think?
One of the things that drives me nuts about my dad is his attitude towards me. Weather he wants to admit it our not, he always plays the Monday morning quarterback with me. In other words he is the worlds biggest hypocrite. He will look at me and say, do you enjoy being depressed? Oh, so I like this feeling of dread, worry, and hurt all day long for weeks at a time. It is easy to say look at life with the glass half full when you had a plan for yourself, and it worked out pretty good. My situation is much different. He doesn’t understand. Hell, he didn’t even believe that I had A.C.C. till my disability kicked in a few months back. He probably was like, wow, he wasnt making it up to get attention, Hell, if the state is giving him money, then he isn’t lying. You know? On the advise of a friend with A.C.C., I showed him my CT-Scan, and he just couldn’t see it. I even printed out a picture of a normal brain, and showed him the difference, and he couldn’t see. He is a stubborn Portage!!!
I know I am dealing with a load if stuff, but all I ask is to be loved and respected. I feel nothing coming my way like that around here. I remember when I was younger, there were a few special needs kids at my school. Everyone laughed at them and called them the R word. I despise that word so much I can’t even say it or spell it. All these years later, I wonder if people look at me like that. I have become paranoid at times when I look at people and I see a certain look. A look like, the line from Forest Gump. and I am paraphrasing here, but it goes something like, don’t mind him, he is just a local idiot. We all have feelings, and for so many years, mine feel like they have been through the neat grinder, you know?
Does anyone have any ideas for helping me with feeling so down? Maybe meditating, but how do you do that? I have tried to start reading more and that has helped out a bit. Being transported into another world is fun. I have also started reading and listening to inspirational speakers like Les Brown and Tim Robbins. Finding the time with two kids is tough though. I thought about running, but I havent done that since high school. One of the themes that you will see written throughout these blogs besides A.C.C. is alcoholism, or drinking. I am not an alcoholic, but I would classify myself as a borderline problem drinker. Now alcohol and depression do not mix, I get it. I just need to have a better outlook I guess. How do I do it? Thoughts? Suggestions?