Category Archives: Can you relate?

This one is mostly for my other family. My ACC’ers out there who deal with this disorder every day of their lives as I do, but maybe you can relate too.

A.C.C. AND PERFECTION: THE STRUGGLE OF A LIFETIME.

Hi Gang,

Now I know what you guys are thinking.  Is this post going to be Brian talking about LesBrown1how he is a perfectionist?  Well, my answer will be maybe.  I personally agree with the great motivational speaker Mr. Les Brown.  He talks about the phrase, practice makes perfect.  He completely disagrees with that phrase and so do I.  He says that it should be stricken from the English language, and so do I.

Seeing as the NFL starts tomorrow night, (I amjerry_rice so pumped) I am reminded what Jerry Rice said about the word perfect, or being perfect.  Now here is a guy who was far and away the greatest wide receiver in NFL history,  He broke every record there was.  He was as close to perfection on the field, than almost anyone else in the entire history of the league.  I remember reading somewhere in maybe Sports Illustrated or seeing a video about him and he was saying that in all those games, he never had the perfect game.  Yes, he may have had 5 touchdowns in one game and shattered the record for receiving yards in a game, but maybe he missed a block or didn’t run all of his routs correctly.  Talk about a humble guy who strives for perfection and gives it 150% every time he took the field.

I must add one more person to this list.  I know I have mentioned him before, but hnpe fits into this discussion also.  Neil Peart is one of if not the greatest drummers ever.  His sticking, or chops are unequaled.  He is so precise in his drumming that is boggles the mind.  Yet he isn’t perfect either.  Maybe I just think they are so good, that they are way closer to perfect than me.  That is probably true, but that is because they work on their craft constantly.  When it comes to perfection, one thing is for certain.  Being perfect is impossible.  Only God is perfect.  So in that regard, this will not be about me being a perfectionist.

I think the biggest thing for me isn’t that I am a perfectionist, it is that my biggest fear is actually failing.  Is that the same as being a perfectionist?  I don’t know.  Whenever I was in simperfect-perfectionist,jpgchool and their was a project to do, I did the best I could.  When the teacher graded the papers, or projects, they would always hold a few aside to talk about how that person went above and beyond and their work was exceptional.  I was never in that group.  Most of the time, I was in the just getting by group, but not because I didn’t try.  Schools don’t care about the work put in, they care about the grade.  I desperately wanted to be a winner.  No one likes being a loser.  No one wants to hang out with losers.  I always felt the crushing pain and blow of being on the losing end of so many thingsperfect.Growing up in my father’s house was no easy task.  He was a drunk and a control freak, so I felt I had to do everything just so, just right, to be perfect if you will, but it never happened.  Again, the angry head of failing reared its gruesome head at me.  Also, how can I now look at doing anything in a perfect manner.  I have A.C.C.  Everything is mixed up upstairs, or takes longer to get to where you want the message to go.  Of course, I didn’t know this at the time.

It even happens now.  I will cook something and it is really good, but maybe I could have made it betterperfectionism.  I second guess myself constantly.  This is especially true with being a father.  I want to be the best father I can be with the kids.  I want to be better than my dad was in every way.  I think I am a better person than he was or is, but He has so many things that are his, and also that he has given to me that I can’t do for my family at this point.  Most of this is monetarily driven or material driven.  Like a house.  A nice car.  A very nice bank account.  I don’t have those things right now, and looking forward, I am not sure when I will have those things.  I do think I deserve those things.  I have worked hard for it.  I know a lot of you deserve them too.  I guess it is hard to be happy with who you are.  Well, it is for me.  Do Les, Jerry and Neil have a fear of failing?  I wonder.

I really want to know if you guys suffer from this.  Please let me know.  Until next time.

Anger 2

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NEW LOOK AT LIFE

Good Morning All,

Cake.jpg

I am sorry I have been a bit MIA lately.  I have an enormous family and we had a fEmilybdayew parties this weekend.  We celebrated Emily’s 4th birthday on Saturday.  It was great.  See the pictures I added?  The cake was amazing.  My friend Andrea and Sarah made the entire cake from scratch.  If any of you local people need any baked goods hand made with love, please visit her site at http://www.everydayisaparty.biz/.  She is amazing.

I hope you all had a restful Memorial Day weekend.  I hope everyone got their kids off to school safe and sound.  Emily goes to her first day of Head Start  in a couple of weeks,  I am already freaking out.  You see, when she went to TREC, I went with her on the bus.  Since we didn’t have cash for a sitter, Ben came along too.  It was great.  Now, she goes alone on the bus and is gone almost all day.  Well, it will seem like it is all day.  This will be good for both Emily and Ben.  Emily needs more interaction with other kids.  To learn to share more and hopefully, she will see other kids going potty and finally get over the hump, and we can get out of diapers for good.  My mother-in-law got her Cinderella underwear for her birthday.  Yeah, thanks a lot.  I know your other grand-kid is perfect and is potty trained.  Leave Emily alone, she will be fine.  This transition will also be great for Ben.  He is still a bit slow o speak.  The reason for this is because Emily says everything for him.  I think he needs some Daddy and Ben time.  To be honest, I could use a break from two kids down to one if only for a few hours.  The kids are 16 months apart.

That MR.MOMbrings me to the theme of this post.  Parenting, or fatherhood and A.C.C.  I am in a rather new position in my life.  It has been a bit of an adjustment to get use to.  See, I always knew when I got married that I would be the one to go to work and provide for my family.  I will get to a larger blog about working with A.C.C. at later time.Well, that all changed two months ago when my disability finally came through.  Now I am the stay at home dad.

I must sstay-at-home-dad-resume1ay, it is a challenge.  My mom made it look so easy.  There are so many things that you take for granted as a kid, and knowing what your parents go through for you day in and day out is one of them.  My mother has the patients of a saint.  She had to to put up with us kids.  Well, I wasn’t a horrible kid, I was a good kid.  The thing is I know I was probably a pain in the ass at times.  I mean I try and keep the house clean with the laundry, the cooking and the cleaning of the clutter, but I feel as though I am shoveling shit up against the tides.  Mothers out there, and stay at home dad’s don’t get their due.  This is a full time job, but we don’t get paid for it.  The other thing is I don’t get respect from others.  The other day I made a big salad with all the fixings.  Fresh tomatoes from our garden.  Cut up green pepper, shredded cheese and slices of ham.  The kicker was the garlic and herb croutons I made from scratch.  I also made two dressings from scratch.  I love to cook.  Well, I got looks when I said that and also when I said I made this whole dish from scratch.  See for some reason my immediate family, and most of my extended family thinks I am a lazy ass.  A lot of that has to do with my job history, as well as a few other things, but they don’t know the whole story.  Some days I want to scream and say something like,  look, I have A.C.C and I am dealing with shit you couldn’t possibly fathom.  It pisses me off.  I go back to the whole Forrest Gump term.

In tying this into the A.C.C Discussion, I am wondering that someone like me, who deals with anxiety on a nearly daily or even hour by hour basis it seems, how does that affect my parenting?  Since I get confused very easily, or patients grows thin, does that mean my tolerance is low for screaming kids?  I mean, would my attitude be better if I didn’t have A.C.C?  Don’t get me wrong, I love my kids and would die for them, but kids can be kids.  Especially a four year old and a two and a half year old.  Parenting is different than when I was a kid.  You can’t kit your kids.  Well, spankings are okay and I do pat them on the tush when needed, but it is so different than when I was a kid.  My dad would look at me once.  Then he would haul off and whack me.  I mean hard.  He instilled the wrath of God into me.  I cannot, and will not do that to my kids.  There is only so much my brain can handle at any given time.  Then I need a break.  I am with the kids 24-7.

DADFather Holding Baby on Shoulder

The bitch of it is that Sarah is mad at me when I say I am going out on the weekends.  I don’t go out both days every weekend.  And by no means do I say I am going out and will be gone for 48 hours straight.  When I say I am going out, that doesn’t mean I am going clubbing or going to the bar yo tie one on, not at all.  It just means I need Brian alone time.  This has many meanings.  It may mean we need some groceries and I want to go by myself to get them instead of the whole family.  It may mean I am going out to play golf, or to git a bucket of balls.  Sarah takes that as I am deserting the family.  You see, I can’t win.  Do you guys feel like your stress levels elevate faster because of A.C.C. and that your brain’s tolerance can only take so much which would be significantly lower than the average persons brain?  What can I do?  Please advise.  Until next time?

Brian Malaquias

DO YOU HAVE BAD DAYS? BAD WEEKS? BAD MONTHS? BAD YEARS?

despression

I want to ask a question that I am not sure I know the answer to.  Is there a link between ACC and depression or anxiety?  Do any of you suffer from depression, anxiety, or both?  I do.  The sad thing is, I really didn’t do anything about it until right before I met my wife Sarah.  I suffered with this all through my middle school years, my high school years, and college to.  I was such a mess.  I think mentally, I knew something was wrong with me that made me who I was, that I hated, but I didn’t know what that one thing was.  The reason why I didn’t take anything for my depression was that I didn’t want to get labeled a lunatic or some schizophrenic.

I take Celexa now.  It helps.  It isn’t a cure, but it helps.  Robin Williams talks about a drug he wants to invent called, well I can’t say what he says but lets just say it is called screw-it-all.  I wish there was something I could take where I am always happy, but that just isn’t so.  I don’t want to sound like Debbie Downer,  but it seems as though happiness isn’t something tangible you can grab hold of and keep.  I guess it just comes in small doses.  Happiness is a the touch of a first kiss, cup of coffee, a cigarette, or the feeling of acceptance, of recognition.  What do you guys think?

One of the things that drives me nuts about my dad is his attitude towards me.  Weather he wants to admit it our not, he always plays the Monday morning quarterback with me.  In other words he is the worlds biggest hypocrite.  He will look at me and say, do you enjoy being depressed?  Oh, so I like this feeling of dread, worry, and hurt all day long for weeks at a time.  It is easy to say look at life with the glass half full when you had a plan for yourself, and it worked out pretty good.  My situation is much different.  He doesn’t understand.  Hell, he didn’t even believe that I had A.C.C. till my disability kicked in a few months back.  He probably was like, wow, he wasnt making it up to get attention, Hell, if the state is giving him money, then he isn’t lying.  You know?  On the advise of a friend with A.C.C., I showed him my CT-Scan, and he just couldn’t see it.  I even printed out a picture of a normal brain, and showed him the difference, and he couldn’t see.  He is a stubborn Portage!!!

I know I am dealing with a load if stuff, but all I ask is to be loved and respected.  I feel nothing coming my way like that around here.  I remember when I was younger, there were a few special needs kids at my school.  Everyone laughed at them and called them the R word.  I despise that word so much I can’t even say it or spell it.  All these years later, I wonder if people look at me like that.  I have become paranoid at times when I look at people and I see a certain look.  A look like, the line from Forest Gump.  and I am paraphrasing here, but it goes something like, don’t mind him, he is just a local idiot.  We all have feelings, and for so many years, mine feel like they have been through the neat grinder, you know?

Does anyone have any ideas for helping me with feeling so down?  Maybe meditating, but how do you do that?  I have tried to start reading more and that has helped out a bit.  Being transported into another world is fun.  I have also started reading and listening to inspirational speakers like Les Brown and Tim Robbins.  Finding the time with two kids is tough though.  I thought about running, but I havent done that since high school.  One of the themes that you will see written throughout these blogs besides A.C.C. is alcoholism, or drinking.  I am not an alcoholic, but I would classify myself as a borderline problem drinker.  Now alcohol and depression do not mix, I get it.  I just need to have a better outlook I guess.  How do I do it?  Thoughts?  Suggestions?

Brian

NOW WHAT WAS I JUST SAYING? WHAT WAS I JUST DOING?

Hi gang,

I am back for another blog.  In this blog, I pose a question to all you wonderful A.C.C. people out there.  Has this happened to you?  And if so, how frequently?  I am sure you know what I am about to say.  You are at a party and you know this really great joke, and then you go to tell it and the thought leaves your brain.  Even worse, you could be in the middle of the joke, and then everything blanks and you have no idea what in Gods name you were talking about.

homerNow I have seen Bill Cosby 49.  It is incredibly funny.  Bill, the master of comedy, in my humble opinion, talks about turning 49 and how things just go.  In this case, the brain.  He talks about how his parents use to talk to their friends and say stuff like their mind was playing tricks on them.  As a teen, he would sit and listen to this and crack up laughing because he thought it was stupid.  Well, I am not 49.  I am 37, but I can relate to this because this happens to me all the time.  The A.C.C. seems to short my brain waves out.  I know people can get dementia, or the brain just goes after a while, but that is when you are in your eighties or nineties.

This doesn’t just happen when I would be speaking, though that is probably the most common time it does occurs.  I could be doing anything, and the activity I was about to do is gone faster than the Millennium Falcon traveling through hyperspace.  As a kid, my parents use to think I was forgetful Jones from Sesame Street.  Remember that guy?  For you young people, you are probably drawing a blank, but the older folks know who I am talking about.  I must have gone through two dozen coats,  wind breakers, and hoodies as a kid, because I would forget to get it before I left a restaurant, sports practice, or whatever the event was.

School was incredibly difficult because of this one fact.  I would study very hard, sometimes for four hours straight, then go in and take the test.  I would be so pressured to do well from my dad, that I would be a wreck.  I would almost always come out of the test so confused.  I would come home and my dad would ask how it went.  I would usually yes him to death and say that I felt good about it, but to be honest, I felt terrible.  I would get the test and swear half the things on the test, I never saw before in my life.  It was as if I was looking at this material for the first time.  I would get the test back and usually it was an F, or a D, or at best a C.  Not all the time, but most of the time, and my dad would be so angry that I failed.  He was a teacher.  Growing up with him was brutal at times.  He got so mad at times, that he would beat me.  He would call me stupid, or get mad at me for lying to him because he would say things like why did I say I did okay, then come home with an F.

If there is one thing I am not going to do with my children is make them feel bad.  If I help them, and I know they are ready, the results don’t really concern me.  I mean if they get great grades, that is fantastic, but if they don’t, I know they did their best, and that is all that matters to me.  I implore the parents of children with A.C.C. to remain calm, patient and completely supportive of your children in everything they do.

Driving can be hard too.  I have so many thoughts racing through my brain trying to get where they need to go that many times, on my drives out of the house to get away from my dad, I would pull over after a while and say to myself, where the hell am I?  Or how the hell did I end up here?  Now, 99% of the time when I am driving, Sarah is with me.

I will touch on these points more in my My Life blog segments, but I just wanted to ask can you relate to this?  Am I the only one deals with this?